RETURN TO THE FOLD

 

This is an excerpt from my as yet unpublished novel entitled The Process.

It is a passage from Chapter 5 – Return To The Fold.

 

On my twenty-eighth birthday, Doña María presented me with a Miraculous Virgin Medal. It was decidedly elegant—a small, meticulously engraved oval shield, with the image of the Virgin, arms outstretched as if gesturing her flock around her, to the shelter of her flowing robe. The medal was made of fine silver and hung from a strong but exquisitely crafted Paraguayan silver chain. The gift was to be worn, she made it clear, not shut away in a drawer somewhere.

I remember being  grateful and moved by the gesture, knowing as I did what sharing her faith meant to Doña María. But at the same time, I felt called upon to have a lengthy discussion with her concerning all the reasons why I should not wear a Catholic religious medal. I was, I explained, born of a Protestant family that would be hurt to see me using a Catholic symbol. Since when, she wanted to know, did I worry about my family's happiness. If I were so concerned about it, I would be living in the United States, not thousands of miles away.

 I went on to say that the long and the short of it was that wearing the thing—although I appreciated the thought more than she would ever know—meant that I believed in what it stood for, the organized Church, that I had faith that the Virgin was capable of guiding and protecting me. I explained that I simply wasn't convinced that this was true. To start with, I wasn't even sure I could believe in something as unlikely as the Immaculate Conception and the Virgin Birth.

At first she listened with patience and urged me every so often to make an effort to believe until I actually did. But this last statement she considered an affront to the Virgin and she wasn't about to tolerate it.

“¡Basta! ¡Basta!” she hissed. I'm in no mood for blasphemies.”

Realizing I had upset her, I placed my hand over the back of hers where it lay on the glass-topped coffee table in the patio. It was there, over a demitasse of her deliciously strong coffee that she had presented me with the gift.

“Doña María,” I said, “please try and understand. I'm not a complete heathen. I believe in...I don't know...something. Cosmic forces, the release of some spiritual energy into the universe when we die. Ectoplasm or whatever. I think I may even believe in contact between mortals and spirits that have crossed over into another dimension. I believe in the forces of good and evil and the power of the spiritual over the physical. But I just can't translate those beliefs into something as imperfect and intrinsically corrupt as organized religion and certainly not into a system as authoritarian, repressive and narrow-minded as Roman Catholicism.”

 “You make it sound so monstrous! For me, my church is such a beautiful, wondrous place. Do you know the comfort religion can bring? The strength it can offer? The shelter it can provide? Why, I think I'm beginning to feel sorry for you. Don't make me pity you, Carlos!”

“I'm not un-spiritual, María,” I offered rather condescendingly. “I'm not anti-religion either. That's precisely what I'm trying to tell you. Religion is whatever works for you, I guess, is what I'm trying to say. What works for me is all very personal and intimate and yet somehow universal because I think that the different expressions of religion, as suggested by the hundreds of varieties of organized congregations, are all signs of belief in one and the same thing—the existence of something superior to us, or rather something superior to this existence as such.”

“Of course, but an organized church with studious leaders provides a vehicle for learning, an authority to instill discipline. We can't go around thinking ourselves so smart and superior that we can guide ourselves.”

“And you'd entrust that job to somebody else, just because he wears his collar backwards.”

“No. Because he has the studies and knowledge I don't.”

“You don't really believe that, do you, María? Why, you must be one of the most well-read and intelligent people I've ever met. I'm sure you know more about your own faith than the majority of the priests you've known. You must question many of the things they try to blindly feed you, don't you?”

 “Such as?”

“Such as, such as all this business about an idyllic heaven, a fiery hell and that universal waiting room called purgatory. You can't really believe it! Not an intelligent, worldly woman like you. It's just a lot of cock and bull made up by the ancient high priests to scare the ignorant into doing the will of the Church and the will of the kings of those times.”

As I spoke, ranting on about the domination of the ignorant through the corruption of religious beliefs at the service of politics, she sat shaking her head sadly, almost imperceptibly. When I had finished, she sat, hands folded on the patio table and looked me in the eyes.

“Carlitos,” she said, “Everybody knows that many priests are corrupt and ignorant. It is up to each one of us to separate the grain from the chaff, to seek out the ones who are truly called to their vocation, to find the ones who are capable of leading us, elevating us to a higher plane, understand?”

I nodded but started to protest saying, “But what about...”

She held up a staying hand. “Listen Carlitos,” she went on, “Everybody knows that the government of the Church is not always on the level, that there are clerics that steal and cheat and defraud and break their vows by abusing the confidence of their followers and failing to maintain themselves aloof of the weakness of their own flesh. But they are no more the Church than I am. The Church stands alone, perfect and indestructible, no matter what a handful of bad priests may do. Because the Church is the expression of the Trinity and the priests, no matter how high some of them may reach, are no more than mortal beings, who, like all of us, will answer for what they do when they meet their Maker. I go to church to establish communion with the Church itself not the priest, you see?” Then she wagged her finger in my face and sternly admonished me, “As for that business about not believing in heaven, hell and purgatory, young man,” she warned, “I hope, for the sake of you and your immortal soul, that you are not in for a terrible surprise! In the meantime, make me happy, Carlitos, humor me. Wear the medal, for me.”

I stood up and went around to the other side of the patio table, bending to kiss her cheek.

“No. I won't wear it for you,” I said. “I'll wear it for me, because you gave it to me, and because it is charged with all the love and good luck I know you wish for me as your daughter's husband.”

She smiled up at me, squeezed my hand and said, “I wish those things for you because you are my daughter's husband, but also because you have become my son, Carlitos.”

It was not, of course, the last time we would clash over religious beliefs. One such encounter was caused by my insistence on treating the Miraculous Virgin Medal as no more than a good luck charm. It wasn't as if I went around rubbing it in on purpose. But it was obvious in at least one thing I did, which, for Doña María, was unforgivable. I had long worn a charm on my key chain. A footloose and much-loved great-uncle had given the charm to me when I was twelve. He claimed he had gotten it from an Indian diablero in the Arizona desert and although I sometimes found that hard to believe, it was a story that charged the little figure with adventure and psychological power. The charm was made of silver and turquoise. It was a totem of some sort, used, my uncle claimed, in the famous sun-dance ceremony of certain southwestern tribes. But for me it was loaded with something else—the magic that would never let my uncle settle down, the itch that kept him moving, the energy that made him yearn to know what lay over the next rise or around the next bend in the road. Every time I looked at it I thought of my uncle the incurable wanderer, switchblade in his hip pocket, duffel on his shoulder, making his way as best he could, from one strange place to another, trying to soak up a commonsense education in the backwater towns, hard-living waterfronts, wide-open countryside and adobe pueblos, from coast to coast, across America, back and forth, to and from wherever his cash for a bus ticket would take him, or as far as a hitched ride lasted. It was a beautiful little piece of jewelry—simple, small but weighty for its size, pleasing to the eye.

I had always worn it on my key chain because I had never worn anything around my neck. But the Miraculous Virgin was to be worn, as per the giver's instructions, as a necklace, so that the medal hung close to one's heart. It sounded logical enough, and I thought I might as well concentrate all of my good luck in the same central location. So I slipped the little totem onto the chain with the Virgin and hung both around my neck.

At first the chain was a constant presence that at once comforted and irritated me. But it wasn't long before the necklace with its two amulets became so much a part of me that I would have felt naked and unprotected without them. It was many weeks after my birthday, when the medal and totem were as familiar to my body as a mole or a birthmark, that Doña María noticed for the first time that the Virgin was no longer alone on the chain. It was a particularly sultry Sunday forenoon and I was sitting shirtless in the patio wading through the Clarín's weekend supplements as María, Mo and Magda made ñoquis con tuco in the kitchen. About half an hour before time to eat, María brought me an appetizer of salted anchovies, hard cheese and a glass of ice-cold white wine to tide me over. It was as she was setting the snack on the glass patio table and I was thanking her for her thoughtfulness that she saw the totem hanging with the Miraculous Virgin from my neck.

“¿Qué es eso?” she asked sternly, the pleasant, motherly smile of a moment before draining from her face.

“What?” I asked, oblivious to the now familiar amulets and wondering if perhaps there weren't an ugly spider or a cockroach crawling on me, given the look of disgust on my mother-in-law's face.

“¡Eso!” she hissed, pointing at the charm on my chain.

I tucked my chin and followed the tip of her finger to my chest. I picked up the charm between my thumb and forefinger and held it out toward her.

“This?” I asked, as she visibly recoiled from the totem.

“Sí, eso.”

“It's an amulet, a good luck charm. My favorite uncle gave it to me when I was just a young boy.”

“Take it off.”

I stiffened. “Why should I?”

“Because it doesn't belong there.”

“Why not?”

“Because it doesn't.”

“But it means a great deal to me.”

“It has no place there next to the Virgin.”

“It's a religious symbol.”

“It's a pagan image and it's a sacrilege for it to be there with Her.”

“This totem was as much a symbol of strength and power for the Indians as the Virgin Mary is for you.”

“¡No digas estupideces!  Take that trinket off my chain.”

“Your chain? I thought this was a gift. If it's borrowed, I'll give it back.”

“Don't be an idiot, Carlos. Just do as I say before your disrespect comes back to haunt you.”

“Oh come on, María. Let's not start with the hocus-pocus because I don't believe in it and you know it.”

“Then you don't need that macumba around your neck.”

“Right. I don't. Not either one of them.”

“¡Basta!”

“But I like them there because two people I love gave them to me and because I think they'll bring me luck.”

“¡Basta! ¡Basta! I had that chain and medal blessed and took them to the image of the Virgin myself and I think I deserve better than to have them associated with a pagan image.”

“What makes the Indian religion any less respectable than Catholicism?”

“¡Basta!”

“What's going on here? Stop it you two.” It was Mo. She was standing in the kitchen door looking out into the patio as if she were a stern mother come to break up a fight between two squalling children.

“Pero nena,” her mother cried, “look what he has on that chain with the Virgin!”

“Hey,” I said throwing up my hands, “if she wants her medal back, she can have it.”

“¡Cállense los dos! Mamá, mind your own business. You gave him that medal, now it's his to do with as he pleases.”

“But nena...”

“But nena nothing. Te jodés for giving it to an infidel.”

“Look,” I began, “I don't mean to hurt anybody's feelings, but...”

“And you shut up too, Chaz. Why do you have to be such a big baby? If you see that it bothers Mom for you to wear that stupid totem on the same chain with the Virgin, what would it hurt you to take it off?”

Doña María and I sulked a little at the beginning of lunch, but I had my shirt back on so that the totem was out of sight and soon we were back to normal. To save face, I continued to wear the two amulets together under my shirt, but took off the totem any time I went shirtless where Doña María might see me.

I soon began to realize that by wearing the Miraculous Virgin Medal I was becoming part of a kind of secret order, an unchartered, unspoken union of souls including Doña María and a number of her oldest and dearest friends, all of whom wore the Miraculous Virgin around their necks and believed fervently in its special powers. Although María had a myriad of wallet-size reproductions of saints of every sort under the glass of her night-table and desk, in her purse and in small frames on top of her chest of drawers, the Miraculous Virgin was the only one with which she appeared never to be offended, discouraged or down-hearted.

Doña María's own Miraculous Virgin Medal was a heavy gold one, oval-shaped like mine, but about the size of an American fifty-cent piece. It hung from a thick golden chain around her neck. The medal had been a gift from her father-in-law to see her through when she was carrying Mo. It was a difficult pregnancy, the last few months of which she spent nearly bed-fast. She nearly died in labor. The idea of the gift her father-in-law had given her was to make sure that she didn't die and María was convinced from Mo's birth on that it had, indeed, saved her life. If it hadn't been for the Miraculous Virgin then, Doña María once reminded me, I wouldn't have had a nagging mother-in-law to worry about, but then neither would I have had a wife, since Moira had come with the cord around her neck and probably would have suffocated before they could save her.

Doña María lived the last twenty years of her life troubled by cardiac insufficiency, a condition which, other than being somewhat careful not to overexert herself, she did relatively little to remedy. She liked her wine with meals and she wouldn't hear of cutting down on salt or red meats, although she had always been moderate in the amounts of everything she ate and drank, since she was more than a little vain about her ever-trim figure.

About five years after Mo and I were married, Doña María had a massive coronary. She was, fortunately, at home with Magda and Alfonso at the time and they were able to get her to the hospital quickly. By the time they got to the emergency room, however, the doctors could hold out no hope for her survival. When Mo and I arrived at the hospital, we were told that Mo's mother was not expected to last the night. One whole wall of the heart had been destroyed and it had not been a strong heart to begin with. Doña María was in such bad shape that even her closest relatives had not been permitted to see her, despite the boisterous protests of her three children.

Seventy-two hours after she was admitted to intensive care, we were still in the waiting room awaiting word of a turn for the worse while praying for a miracle. Most of that time, the Miraculous Virgin was warm in the palm of my hand and a silent prayer kept running through my head: “If you're real make a miracle. Do it for her, the one with the faith, not for me.”

At one point we got Alfonso and Magda to go home, telling them that if there were any change we would let them know right away. Shortly after they left, a nurse came to my exhausted wife and said her mother had asked repeatedly to see her.

“I'll let you in,” the nurse said, “but you have to promise me you'll only stay a few seconds. The doctor ordered no visitors and it could cost me my job if they find you there.”

Mo grudgingly nodded and followed the nurse down the corridor. When she returned she was sobbing softly and said, “She doesn't even think of herself when she's dying. She asked if we were eating all right and said we should go home to sleep, that it made her nervous to think of us out here all the time.” Then she added, “Go in, Chaz. She didn't even ask about Alfonso and Magda. She just insisted on seeing you.” I looked around for the nurse. “Go on,” Mo said firmly. “She knows what's good for her. Go see her. She's asking for you.”

I had to duck the nurse twice before I could get down the passageway and into the room. But there was no observation booth looking into the room as in some of the more modern intensive care wards. It was just a small, hospital-green, cell-like, private cubicle with a bed and a monitor and nothing else to get in the way of the cardiac team in the highly likely event that they should have to respond to an emergency.

The patient looked very small and frail in the high-mattressed bed, which was rolled up so that she was in a semi-sitting position. The monitor's fluorescent-green face shone from a little shelf over Doña María's head. It blinked with comforting regularity and bleeped softly each time it blinked.

Despite her reported condition and obvious pallor, María's head snapped enthusiastically toward me as soon as I entered her room.

“¡Hola, Carlitos!” she chirped cheerily, as if she were seeing me walk right into her own patio, where she was just about to serve up a few strong mates.

I smiled a restrained, concerned smile and placed my hand over hers where it lay in a loosely closed fist outside the starchy white hospital sheet on her stomach. A heavy golden chain spilled out of the fist and meandered over hill and dale of the sheet like some volatile, auric liquid that had escaped her grasp.

“Listen to me, Carlitos...” she began, but I put a finger to my lips to silence her.

“You should be resting,” I whispered, giving her hand a gentle squeeze, my mind inescapably tuned to every nuance of the monitor's bleeps.

“I'll have plenty of time to rest once they've nailed me into the box,” she snapped. “Listen, Carlos,” she said, and I listened, although all I could really think of was the doctor saying she could die at any moment, “I'm worried about you and Moira.”

“Worrying about everybody but yourself is how you got here,” I said.

“Bueno, basta,” she said, “I'm in no mood for lectures from upstarts. I only asked for you to come in because I want you to take Moira home.”

I was looking at the patient with real amazement now. This was a woman with what the doctors described as a semi-destroyed heart. A woman who was expected to die of coronary thrombosis and infarct at any moment. And yet, her voice and manner carried the same matriarchal authority as ever and her eyes were clear and sharp and willful. This didn't sound like somebody at death's door and I was beginning to feel that my usually skeptical view with regard to doctors and their prognoses was well founded. I had expected to find someone hanging onto life by her fingernails, fighting for breath and filling the room with the eerie sound of her death rattle. Instead I found the same strong woman as always, her fears and pain under control, her act together, directing family business even from her sickbed.

“They told me that Alfonso and Magdalena had gone home to rest and that relieved me somewhat,” Doña María went on, “but now I want to know what you and my Moira are still doing here.”

“We're just here in case you need us,” I whispered.

“Need you? Why would I need you? Are either of you doctors? Ha! I wish one of you were a doctor. Maybe this family would have a chance to generate some wealth for a change.”

“You're exerting yourself, María. I'm leaving now.”

“Yes. Do, and take Moira with you. Go home. Eat. Rest.”

“You're the typical cardiac patient, María. Always fretting about something or someone. Why don't you try to clear your mind for a minute or so and get some rest yourself?”

She cast her eyes downward in a little-girl-shy gesture that was typically contradictory in her. She was at once stubbornly authoritarian and coquettishly coy in dealing with others—a carrot-and-stick ploy that helped her impose her will.

I bent and kissed her forehead and turned to leave the room, but her stern voice stopped me at the door. 

“Carlos, “she called, “take Moira home right now! Do you understand?”

I smiled weakly and shrugged.

“Carlitos, please. If you want me to get well, take her home. She doesn't look good at all. I'm worried about her. She needs to eat and get some sleep.”

Still I didn't say anything.

“You won't miss it, I promise,” she said with an ironic grin.

“Miss what?”

“My death,” she said good-humoredly. “I promise I won't die until you've both rested, bathed, eaten and come back, and I don't want to see either of you here until at least tomorrow morning. I'll still be here. You have my word.”

 

THE MIRACULOUS VIRGIN

This is an excerpt from my as yet unpublished novel, the working title of which is “Life and Death”. In this passage, the protagonist, Chaz Dickson, a newsman who lives in Argentina, has received a religious medal (the Miraculous Virgin) from his wife Mo’s mother, Doña María. A former Protestant cum agnostic, Chaz accepts the medal and wears it, as he might a rabbit’s foot, for good luck. But Doña María, a fervent Catholic who boasts personal relationships with her favorite saints, is bent on convincing him that it is so much more...

It wasn't until some time after doña María had made a miraculous recovery from her heart attack and was practically back to normal that I had what I can only describe—and believe me, I writhe a little at the use of the term—as a religious experience. The only person, other than doña María, whom I ever told about it was Mo. As a newsman, and one who had gained a fair amount of success at a rather young age, I had worked hard on my image as a cynic, and admitting that I had witnessed something like this would have been tantamount to "getting religion", which would surely have cost me my credibility as an "objective", hard-nosed, believe-it-when-I-see-it, ultra-critical, poison-pen editorialist. But hey, something happened.

It wasn't the wines of the Eucharist, because in Catholicism only the priest gets to sample the Blood, although, who knows, maybe it was an allergic reaction to the incense. I admit, I'd been to a get-together beforehand and had a few drinks, which could have had an influence, but to this day, somehow, I don't think so.

It happened when doña María was still on a lot of medication after her near-fatal heart-attack, but feeling fine enough that it was hard to keep her from overdoing. A friend, Aurelia, was celebrating her seventy-fifth birthday and doña María said she wouldn't miss it for the world. In her own circle, doña María was a very sociable person. Frugal to a fault in daily life, she knew how to cut loose at parties. She relished the free-flowing wine and rich food and she loved to chat and joke and dance all night long in the company of a select crowd. Her friend Aurelia was what is known in Argentina as a "Peronist of the first hour"—an undying admirer of the controversial political strongman, General Juan Domingo Perón, an old-guard follower who now, in the post-coup 1970s pined for the days when Peronism was more like a monarchy than a tacky democracy and an outlawed, discredited, has-been popular movement.

Because of her untiring political activism at a neighborhood, grass-roots level, Aurelia had literally hundreds of friends—a handful of intimate ones, like María (who, oddly enough, was not only not a Peronist, but had also been an active anti-Peronist back in the fifties just before the Revolución Libertadora overthrew General Perón in a bloody coup), and then scores of political "friends", people who owed Aurelia something, were currently seeking some favor, or to whom she herself was somehow indebted. María and Aurelia never talked politics, except at the most superficial level, because María respected Aurelia for her dedication to a cause and Aurelia respected the fact that María had other political leanings. Doña María was a bit of political snob, a conservative, who thought the populist tendencies of Peronism distasteful, but who found the social cream at the top of the movement fascinating. Aurelia was fun-loving, bright and generous, and loved a good party even more than María did.

Mo and I were worried when doña María made known her decision to attend the party. We were concerned about how her health would stand up to the excitement, rich food and abundant drink, all of which, we were sure, she would have trouble resisting. We told her we didn't think it a good idea for her to go partying so soon after her brush with death—to which she laughed, said, "Nonsense!" and told us to mind our own business.

When our protests continued, however, she said that if we were so worried about her, why didn't we accompany her? We said we didn't know anybody, and she said that if we never went anyplace, how could we expect to get to know anybody ever? The party coincided with my night off at the paper, so in the end, we agreed to go.

Aurelia lived in a big old house with a wrought-iron gate and a little inner garden beyond the doorstep, where María's friend cultivated spectacular red, yellow and white roses. The house was on Calle Bahía Blanca, fronting Plaza Vélez Sarsfield and just a few doors down from the Church of the Candelaria, the parish around which doña María's neighborhood had grown up. When we arrived, something of a crush of arriving invitees had formed at the door of Aurelia's house, and even many of the uninvited faithful making their way up the street to evening Mass at the Candelaria stopped to offer Aurelia their best wishes from the garden gate, as she stood at the door welcoming her friends and greeting her neighbors.

Once inside the house, I was impressed to see the level of Aurelia's influence. Despite being a rather minor former neighborhood party official, she obviously had friends in much higher places. I counted at least five faces of former Peronist officials whom I recognized from the photo files at the paper. There were also several Federal Police officials and field grade Army officers, who were no doubt breaking specific High Command orders by being present at what could be construed as a "political meeting", all forms of which had been outlawed by the governing junta under the terms of the State of Siege Decree. There were also a couple of recognizable stage and screen actors, a Catholic monsignor, two independent political columnists whom I vaguely knew from press conferences we had all attended, and a former contender for the world middleweight boxing title.

Originally having gone along reluctantly for the sole purpose of making sure doña María behaved herself, I now forgot my appointed duty entirely and began to mingle, taking advantage of the windfall of journalistic material at my disposal. It was already past midnight when I remembered María and Mo and began searching the rooms of the rambling old house to find them. When I did, they were at the center of attention, accompanying Aurelia in the patio, and surrounded by a covey of attentive older gentlemen—a former classmate of María's who was now a successful TV scriptwriter of considerable fame, a former Peronist culture secretary, a former district court judge and a silver-haired retired colonel on whom, Mo later confided, her mother had always had a crush. Mo was a little peeved at me for having gone off to do interviews instead of staying with her and her mother, but doña María was delighted that I had been mixing.

"Success," she said, "is in who you know," and then she embarrassed me by introducing me to the illustrious men in their circle at the party as "one of the directors" of the newspaper. "They'll never know the difference," she murmured when I whispered a protest, "and if they think you're in a position of power in the press, they might very well be of help to you in reaching your future goals. Just remember, Carlitos, the riffraff come and go, but the gente bien remain afloat no matter who's in power."

Doña María toed the line extraordinarily well, just enjoying being alive, out and circulating again, high on the social event and with no apparent need to shatter the limits of her convalescence. She sipped no more than two glasses of champagne all evening, ate only two or three canapés and celebrated her friend's seventy-fifth year with no more than one thin slice of sugary birthday cake. She topped off her reencounter with society by dancing a discreet but not unenergetic tango with the silver-haired colonel and returned to her seat slightly flushed with excitement, smiling coyly as Aurelia clucked her tongue and said, "Watch out for the colonel, María. They say he's an incorrigible mujeriego, a womanizer to be sure."

"What do I care?" doña María laughed. "I'm not looking for a faithful, boring husband, just a little interesting male company."

I laughed and Mo cried "Mother!" To which María said "Oh grow up, nena. You only live once and I'm already on borrowed time."

After the tango, Mo kept observing her mother, worried that the excitement and exertion might bring on another heart attack. I was just buzzed enough that the world seemed a harmless beautiful place and I urged Mo to loosen up and quit sheltering her mother. Maybe a little romance was just what she needed to make her feel healthy, to make her feel like a woman again instead of a disease. She said if I wanted to kill my own mother it was up to me but that she knew what was best for hers.

Doña María overheard our terse whispers and said, "You listen to Carlitos, nena. You have a wise husband."

"And you've had too much champagne, Mamá," Mo said condescendingly.

The colonel stood from his seat beside Aurelia and asked doña María for another dance. Mo refused for her mother, telling the colonel that she wouldn't permit it because as the lady's daughter, she would be the one who would have to sit in the emergency room crying if doña María were to have a heart attack.

Doña María looked embarrassed and pinched Mo's arm.

But the colonel, unperturbed, counterattacked, saying, "Well then, maybe we can just chat for a while and get to know each other better." He gestured for Mo to make room and she went and occupied his seat by Aurelia, while the colonel sat down beside doña María and boldly took her hand in his as he said, "Did I ever tell you, señora, about the time when I commanded a scientific expedition in the Argentine sector of Antarctica?"

It was well past midnight when the party started winding down and we were finally able to tear doña María away from her friends. The colonel walked us to the door after we had kissed Aurelia good-night and wished her well. The colonel offered to drive us home. Doña María thanked him but refused, saying that we only lived a few blocks away and the walk would do her good. He promised to call her to have dinner soon. She seemed charmed, and moved with a girlish gait down Aurelia's garden path to the street.

It was a week-night and the street in front of the plaza was quiet. The only lights in the houses along the block were those burning brightly in Aurelia's place from which the sound of canned music and the loud talk of boozy, late-night hangers-on still emanated.

Our house was the opposite way from the Candelaria, but doña María said, "Let's walk past the church before we go home."

"Mother," Mo complained, "it's late and I have to get up early tomorrow."

"That's all right, nena. You go on home. You must be tired. Carlitos will walk with me, won't you?"

"Sure," I said and Mo looked daggers at me in the light of the street-lamp. "I'll bring her right home," I said reassuringly.

"You'd better," Mo warned.

"Oh, stop fretting," doña María snapped. "A walk around the block before bed will be good for me."

Mo shrugged resignedly, kissed us both on the cheek and headed for home. Doña María looped her arm through mine and we made our way to the Candelaria. It was a beautiful, clear, moonlit night, unseasonably cool. I offered doña María my blazer to put around her shoulders and she accepted it.

To my surprise, when we reached the steps of the church, she said, "Let's stop in a minute."

As usual, I froze at the thought of entering a church. There was something about Catholic sanctuaries and their multiple plaster images and imposing altars that simultaneously fascinated and spooked me. I didn't mind dropping in on one of the countless churches of Buenos Aires in the light of day, accompanied by Mo, and in a detached, touristy mood, pretending to, say, study the architecture, record the history of the place in my pocket journal, try to place the artist who had painted the ceilings, observe the comings and goings of the faithful as they bustled in off the workaday-busy streets for a moment of meditation and prayer. But we did it seldom and I always secretly did so whistling low in the back of my mind and silently repeating again and again, "There ain't no ghosts, there ain't no ghosts," like Stymie and Buckwheat in the Our Gang movies that WDTN Channel 5 ran on weekday afternoons when I was a kid back home. I wasn't altogether comfortable in the Protestant churches where I'd been brought up. But their Puritan lines and stripped-down architecture made them somehow more innocuous and insipid. They had fewer shadows and candles and statues and paintings. Their crosses were empty and hygienic, there was no blood and gore splashing walls and windows and ceilings, no stain-glass Saint Steven with a score of arrows bristling from his body, no severed head of John the Baptist, no Christ in agony, hanging from the brutal spikes in his hands and feet. True, Protestant churches were somehow unnatural and creepy with their smell of mothballs, talc and mildewed hymnals — places where you lowered your voice even when no one else was there. But Catholic churches were mysterious, haunting, soaked in a long and bloody history of torture, war and intrigue, festooned with power symbols, saintly images and scenes devoted to the glorification of Christian martyrdom. They made me nervous even when I pretended to be a casual tourist. But the thought of entering a closed church in the middle of the night in the company of a woman who was spiritually strong enough to think nothing of maintaining practically first-name relationships with long-dead saints and departed loved ones suddenly turned my blood to ice-water.

"Come on, Carlitos," she said again. "Be a sport. Let's go in."    

"It must be closed at this hour," I said.

"Nonsense. The sacristán always leaves a side door open so early worshippers can get in before work without bothering him, because he hates getting up early."

When I didn't respond, she said, "Please, Carlitos. For me. Por favor, un minutito. I want to show you the Milagrosa."

"Okay," I said reluctantly, "just for a moment."

It was dim and dank inside the sanctuary. The side door into the nave squawked on rusty hinges as it closed behind us and our heels echoed on the dew-slick marble floor. I peered into the semi-darkness as doña María tugged at my elbow, urging me forward into the church. There was a single light on over the front altar. Another dim bulb burned far at the back of the church near the main doors. We had entered the sanctuary in approximately the mid-section, where the gloom seemed forbidding. I felt like an intruder in the sepulchral silence and froze for a moment, wanting to turn back, but doña María continued to shepherd me further into the nave, where, it was obvious, she felt completely at ease.

"It's only a moment," she said, sensing my reluctance.

Doña María was as familiar with the sanctuary as with her own home. She found a light switch on a column a few meters in and flicked it on. A feeble bank of overhead lights turned total darkness to a diffuse, dusky twilight. We stepped out of the penumbra of the side aisle and walked down the middle of the church toward the main altar. Near the front row of pews, doña María pulled her arm free of mine, crossed herself, nimbly genuflected, then stood and crossed herself again, kissing the knuckle of her forefinger and the nail of her thumb. Christ hung in torment from the cross above the pulpit, eyes rolled heavenward, mouth slightly agape, His bright red life's-blood running in rivulets down His forehead and one side of His face from the cruel crown of thorns, arms stretched to the fullest and knees bent against the agonizing pain of the terrible spikes driven through His palms and feet, a gash in His side spilling blood onto His otherwise impeccably white loincloth. Although I had seen many a crucifix since moving to South America, this image seemed particularly vivid and chilling in the somber light and desolate late-night silence of the Candelaria.

Near the front of the nave, in the wide horizontal passage where the faithful gathered at the culmination of each Mass to receive the Host from the supple white fingers of the officiating priest, we turned abruptly to the right, away from the altar. Doña María was girlish and bright-eyed, suddenly an excited youngster, despite her advancing years and now chronic ill-health.

"Come, come," she whispered in a conspiratorial tone as if we were two children crashing the gates of the graveyard by night, "I want you to meet the Milagrosa." I followed her along the south side of the church, past a cluttered row of plaster saints of all shapes and sizes, every one painted in the garish greens, reds, blues and golds preferred by the Italian founders of the parish. The saints stood in their niches, silent and gaudy in their colorful robes, some with wilted floral offerings at their feet, others with the yellow-gray spatterings of spent candles littering their pedestals.

Doña María stopped about a quarter of the way back from the front of the temple and did a neat left-face in front of a tall, almost elegant figure. She stepped back a pace and pushed me forward, centering me in front of the image by placing her hands on both my elbows from behind. Then she asked me for a coin. I unquestioningly reached into my trouser pocket and produced one. I heard her drop it with a dull clunk into a wooden box. Then I heard her strike a match before she returned to where I stood. She was carrying a lighted candle, which she ceremoniously placed in a small jar at the statue's feet. She crossed herself and again stepped back, leaving me alone before the effigy.

"This," I heard doña María say, as if from far off somewhere, "is la Virgen Milagrosa. She is your protector."

I could say nothing and immediately began to tremble, my hands sweating, my teeth gritted to keep them from chattering.

"Isn't she beautiful?" I heard María say somewhere behind me, and still I couldn't respond. "I'll leave you with her for a few moments," my mother-in-law said and suddenly I found myself alone with the Virgin and riveted to my spot.

Something like fear and awe rose up in me and a kind of joy mixed with anguish welled up in my chest. I vaguely and vainly sought to quell the powerful emotion by seeing the statue for what my logic told me it was—a plaster image. But try as I might I could not control my illogical feelings. The Virgin's blue shawl flowed in soft folds from the crown of her head to beyond her waist and the heavy pleats of her white robe caressed the tops of her delicate-boned feet. Her benign, tallow-pale face was more tender and radiant than the flesh of any classic human beauty. Her lips formed an almost sensuous bow that might well have just kissed the gentle brow of a newborn babe. Her hands, palms out with arms open to her sides, begged an embrace. Her deeply compassionate eyes locked on mine and refused to let me go. As I looked into them, everything else around me seemed to recede and an inexplicable luminescence suddenly emanated from her and engulfed me, so that nothing but her beauty existed.

I had been brought up, back in the American Midwest, to believe that tough guys don't cry, and had been able to successfully restrain my tears completely from adolescence on. But now, against my will, against all reason, my emotions welled up and spilled over the rims of my eyes. Tears slid down my cheeks and an involuntary sob choked me. Joy, awe and incomprehension filled me and then melted together in concentric waves of warmth and security that seemed connected to the glow that the Virgin was apparently generating.

With a monumental effort, I tore my eyes from hers and shut them, and the feeling abruptly stopped. But as soon as I glanced at her once more, the emotion again caught my spiritual core in its grasp and brought new tears to my eyes. It wasn't until doña María laid her hand on my shoulder and whispered, "Isn't she beautiful, Carlitos?" that I was able to turn away from the Miraculous Virgin. As I did, I could distinctly feel the oval of medal dangling from the chain around my neck lying warm as an only half-cooled rivet against my breast.

I brushed my cheeks with the backs of my hands and tried to speak, but had to clear my throat before I could say, "Yes, more beautiful than anything else I've ever known."

That was the sum total of our conversation about what had happened between la Milagrosa and me. I never again had this type of dramatic religious experience in waking life. And during the three years that followed until doña María's death, not once did we talk about the incident. Nor did we repeat the unique nocturnal visit to the sanctuary. I occasionally walked my mother-in-law to Mass, but I would invariably sit in the plaza reading until she came out, never again, in those three years, entering the Candelaria—although doña María never failed to invite me to come inside with her.

Doña María died while reading in her bed. (It was her custom to read long into the night when she couldn't sleep). She passed away in the company of two great works: open, face-down on her night-table, lay Paradiso from Dante's La Divina Commedia, the book she had re-learned Italian to read. Open on her lap was The Confessions of St. Augustine. In her right hand, when my brother-in-law found her body the next morning, she was clutching the Miraculous Virgin Medal. According to Alfonso, his mother appeared to have died in complete peace. And why not? When she crossed over, she was surely among friends.

The night of the day of her funeral, the chain on my own Milagrosa medal broke while I was sleeping. Mo found the medal and its necklace in the bedding the next morning. I had become so used to the medal's presence that I wasn't even aware I had lost it. When Mo told me she had found it, I felt a sudden chill, a kind of terrible anxiety at the thought that I had gone through the night unprotected. Suddenly, the Milagrosa was a lot more to me than a surrogate rabbit's foot.

I painstakingly repaired the clasp on the medallion's chain and replaced it around my neck. That same day, I went alone to the Candelaria, pushed through its tall doors into the nave and strode directly to the niche of the Miraculous Virgin to try to re-establish spiritual contact with her and with my mother-in-law, for whom I was grieving more than I could ever have imagined I would grieve for any human being. I stared long and hard into the eyes of the Virgin, but it was no go. Nothing happened. I felt nothing but disgust and disillusionment. She was just another plaster image, a chipped, frozen-faced statue, with staring, painted eyes, a too-deliberately-sweet painted bow of a mouth and gaudy blue and gold-glitter shawl which, I now noticed, could have stood a good dusting. The only light that radiated from the plaster saint was that which glinted off the ridiculous gold-foil pseudo-rays that fanned out behind the idol's head.

When I came out of the church and crossed the street to sit alone in the plaza for a while, I felt something cool against my belly and, reaching inside my shirt, found my medal resting against the waistband of my trousers, the chain once again broken, but this time in the middle instead of at the clasp. My hands began to shake as I stuffed the broken chain and the medal into my shirt pocket. I sat down, exhausted, on a bench in the plaza and wept for a time in grief and desolation. 

Later that day I said to Mo, "My chain broke again."

"Maybe you'll have to have a new clasp put on it," she said.

"This time it broke in a different place."

"Don't worry, darling," she said soothingly, sensing my despair and talking to me as if I were a child afraid of the dark, "we'll get you a new chain."

She was so gentle and attentive despite her own grief, that I put my arms around her and began to weep against her shoulder.

"It won't do any good," I said. "With your mother gone, the Milagrosa has abandoned me."

At this, Mo held me away from her and looked sternly at me through tears of her own.

"Don't you believe that, Chaz! Not even for a minute. The Virgin hasn't abandoned you. She's just telling you that you no longer need her. You now have a protector of your own on the other side."

I bought a new chain for my medal, a stronger, heavier one. But it was no use. It broke again and fell to the floor when I undressed to bathe the evening of the same day that I attempted once again to wear it. Broken chain and Virgin now lie in state in a box in my dresser drawer, little more than a slightly tarnished reminder of doña María's love.